Are you sodding tired of your résumé getting tossed in the bin faster than a hot potato? Well, maybe it’s time to take a good hard look at what you’re bloody well putting on that piece of paper. Here are ten things that will make any employer want to give you a proper earful:
The Time You Got Fired for Being an Absolute Wanker
No one wants to hire someone who can’t keep their gob shut or follow simple instructions. So, do yourself a favor and leave off any mention of the time you got sacked for being an absolute tosser. It won’t impress anyone.
Your Failed Attempts at Becoming the Next Picasso
We get it, mate. You think you’re some sort of artistic genius with your paintbrushes and crayons. But unless you’re applying for a job as an artist or designer, no one gives two shites about your failed attempts at becoming the next bloody Picasso. Stick to relevant skills.
Your Love Affair with Reality TV Shows
If there’s one thing employers hate more than anything else, it’s hiring someone who spends their evenings glued to the telly watching mindless reality shows like Love Island or Big Brother. Keep your obsession with trashy television under wraps if you want any chance at landing a decent job.
Your Collection of Cat Memes
Cat memes may be all the rage on social media these days, but they have no place on your résumé. No employer wants to see evidence of your unhealthy obsession with fluffy felines when they’re looking for someone competent enough to handle real work responsibilities.
The Time You Accidentally Set Fire to Your Nan’s Kitchen
We all make mistakes, but some are just too bloody embarrassing to mention on your résumé. Accidentally setting fire to your nan’s kitchen may be one of those things. Trust me, employers won’t find it endearing or amusing.
Your Failed Attempts at Being a Stand-Up Comedian
Unless you’re applying for a job as a comedian, leave off any mention of your failed attempts at making people laugh. No one wants to hire someone who thinks they’re the next Billy Connolly when they can barely crack a smile from their mates down the pub.
The Time You Got Arrested for Public Drunkenness
Getting arrested for public drunkenness is not exactly something you want potential employers to know about. It doesn’t scream “responsible and reliable.” So do yourself a favor and keep that little tidbit under lock and key.
Your Obsession with Collecting Belly Button Fluff
Everyone has their quirks, but collecting belly button fluff is definitely one that should stay hidden away in the darkest corners of your life. Employers don’t need to know about your strange obsession with lint-filled navels.
The Time You Stole Your Neighbor’s Garden Gnome
Stealing is never cool, especially when it involves innocent garden gnomes minding their own business. Keep this little escapade off your résumé if you want any chance at being taken seriously by potential employers.
Your Extensive Collection of Toe Nail Clippings
I’m sorry mate, but no employer wants to hear about or see evidence of your extensive collection of toe nail clippings. It’s downright disgusting and will have them running for the hills faster than you can say “fungal infection.”
In Conclusion
If you want to stand a chance in the job market, it’s time to clean up your act and leave off all the bloody rubbish from your résumé. Stick to relevant skills, experience, and achievements that will actually impress employers. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck flipping burgers for the rest of your miserable life.
